The Moonstone Readalong - I KNOW WHO STOLE IT

We're supposed to write up a review for the Moonstone readalong and while I might still write a regular review I think I want to write up something a bit more spoilery so that I can discuss all of my favourite bits and pieces about the mystery instead. So I probably don't really need to say it, but there will be spoilers below. Tread carefully, you've been warned.

And double warned in GIF form

So The Moonstone. I absolutely loved it. I'm pretty hopeless at mysteries at the best of times, I'm almost guaranteed to fall for the red herrings littered along the way, so I really didn't guess it at all. I thought that maybe Godfrey was guilty when he broke of the marriage with Rachel (or didn't put up a fight anyway)  and the lawyer was like "oh hell no, that rascally cur" but I decided that'd be too obvious, surely that was a red herring. But even if I had trusted my gut I don't think I could have forseen the road that Wilkie was going to take. Opium sleepwalking and crimes of opportunity? Recreating the scene of the crime? Godfrey dressing up as a scruffy sailor and keeping a woman in a villa? No, even if I had been sure it was Godfrey I don't think I would have guessed all of those threads.

So did everyone immediately assume Ezra Jennings was involved and then feel absolutely awful when it turned out he was actually a gorgeous and wonderful person? It all seemed so suspicious the way he was popping up and having such outrageous hair and maggots in his head (have I mentioned how glad I am Betteredge came back yet?).

But instead of being in cahoots with the Indians he was actually just a man haunted by his past who was dying (of cancer?) and using opium to hold out for just a little longer. Thanks to this lovely, quiet man Franklin's name was cleared and he was able to finally prove to Rachel that he wasn't the guy who stole her moonstone. Or he was, but he did it for the right reasons and accidentally put it straight into the hands of the man who did want to make some money.

Speaking of Rachel. I might have kept suspecting her long after it was clear she wasn't involved. I just had no idea what was a real hint and what was a red herring, so I just suspected EVERYONE. I even suspected Murthwaite, purely because of his connection to India. Shhhhh I told you I was bad at mysteries.

While I loved the mystery and Jennings re-staging of the house to prove Franklin's innocence, Betteredge's sass during the whole thing was absolutely my favourite part. He was so mean to Jennings (and mostly because of his looks - shame on you Betteredge!) but he was so hilarious I could forgive him.

"I want to know who is responsible for keeping it in a perpetual state of litter, no mater how often it may be set right - his trousers here, his towels there, and his French novels everywhere. I say, who is responsible for untidying the tidiness of Mr Franklin's room, him or me?"

Can we just add Betteredge into every book ever now?

Speaking of happy jigs, I totally did one when Cuff wrote down who he suspected on a piece of paper and got Franklin to hold on to it until the bad guy was revealed. That kind of theatrics is so completely my jam, and so perfect for a cop who retired to grow roses on roses on roses. Bravo Cuff, you've got style.

What else? I loved the epilogue when the Indian was taken back to India. I love the idea that this jewel is so important to their religion that three men would sacrifice everything to bring it back to the people who needed it. It's such a selfless act amongst all of the greed and obsession with wealth that happened back in England. And it's bittersweet, because even though the stone is back where it belongs, these three men are now forced to walk alone until the end of their days, while everyone in England (Godfrey excepted) got their happy ending. I guess it could be argued that for the three Indians this was their happy ending, but it was still sad to me.

Alright, so time to wrap it up. I absolutely adored this book. It was clever, funny, brilliantly written and a ripping good mystery. I can't wait to read more Wilkie, and I'm so glad I finally get to nod along sagely when everyone else brings up their Wilkie adoration. So where do I head next? I guess The Woman in White is the logical choice, but I'm open to suggestions!

*if you want to see what I thought in the first half, head over here.

The Moonstone Readalong - Hittin' the Halfway Point

So I'm a teeny bit late with this mid-way readalong post but I wanted to get to the end of Clack's narration so I could read what everyone has said without worrying about spoilers. Which, I guess shouldn't really need mentioning, but there'll be spoilers for the first 50% of The Moonstone in this post.

Spoiler break dance party!

I took awhile to really get going with this book. I'm not sure if it was simply getting used to the language and style, the content, reading it on my new kindle or even the extremely heightened expectations I have thanks to Wilkie's online appreciation club (i.e.. Laura, Alley, Tika etc), but yeah there was definitely an adjustment period. Which is not to say there wasn't things I loved straight away, because there absolutely was!

Dear old Betteredge! He was so sweet and grumpy and I took to him immediately. It's funny, in the hands of a different writer I might have hated him - his views on women are the kind of thing that usually makes my blood boil even taking into account the "it was the way of their times" excuses. But the only time I didn't love Betteredge was when he was professing his dislike of Detective Cuff, and that's only because Cuff is perfect and can do no wrong (TEAM CUFF 4EVA). But thanks to Wilkie's wit, Betteredge's anti-female posturing usually came off as very funny or unintentionally self-deprecating. Funny and self-deprecating I can work with, funny and self-deprecating I get.

Betteredge was a great way to start the narrative because although he'd get swept up with the detecting fever he was also fiercely loyal to his lady. You know what else he was? Hopelessly in love with Lady Verinder, and it's sad that she died without him serving at her side. I wish we'd had a brief glimpse at the funeral so we could have checked he was alright.

I found it so strange that when the moonstone was stolen everyone was all GET THE POLICE and as soon as it became clear one of them was probably responsible they were like HOW DARE YOU DO THE JOB WE ASKED YOU TO DO. I know Cuff was their as a private detective but guys, that's not how policing works - otherwise how would anyone ever get arrested for murder/thievery/assault? "No sorry, I don't accept your theory and I refuse to allow you to do any policing to prove it. Good day to you sir. I SAID GOOD DAY"

They were the best of times, they were the worst of times - clearly.

Clack was equally delightful as a narrator. As a person she was abhorrent, but I laughed and laughed when she'd hide her books around the house and employ her minions to send letters on her behalf. And when she tried to give the tract to Godfrey's father because he used the word damn? I thought I was going to die.There have been a few films adapted from this book and I might have to hunt them down in the hope that they do that scene! I felt a little bad for her though because 1) it's pretty clear that she's in love with Godfrey, and 2) I'm thinking that Wilkie wasn't a big fan of religious evangelism so she was far more exaggerated than any of the other characters in the book. But I will forever love her for her dedication, her inability of knowing when to keep quiet and the fact that she was in groups with names like "British Ladies Servants Sunday Sweetheart Supervision". And one that had something to do with pants. I never quite got my head around that one!

So onto the mystery? I am so glad I'm reading this on my kindle because if it was a physical book I know I would have skipped to the final few pages and ruined it by now. I am the most impatient at these sorts of books, and while spoilers don't bug me it really is best to get to the twists and reveals when you're supposed to. I was a little confused when it all seemed wrapped up by Cuff 20% of the way into the book. Where was it headed? I have to commend Wilkie for turning this into a much more complicated and character driven story than I was expecting. I also suspect that the moonstone, while central to the plot, is going to end up not so important compared to all of the other secrets everyone seems to have. What did Bruff tell Rachel about Godfrey? What did Franklin do to piss Rachel off so much? What's Rachel been up to, and the servant who committed suicide (and I've forgotten her name already - I'm the worst)? Where is the moonstone? Will we ever find out anything ever?

ONWARDS TO THE FINAL HALF AND THE TRUTH!

*To see what I thought about the second half, head here.

"His Body Was What She'd Wanted. It Was the Rest of Him That Was The Problem" The Correctioning Readalong Week 5

Guys.

GUYS.

It's over. It's finished. We never have to read about Caroline or Chip (hmmm both C names, I call Conspiracy) or Lithuanian scams or cheating partners or the miserable Lamberts ever again!

I've had a lot of fun paying this book out, but I didn't hate it. I didn't love it, and I'm not sure if I even liked it, but I definitely didn't hate it. And this section (save for that bullshit final couple of everything-is-perfect pages) was definitely decent.

So here we go. Can we talk about how much I hate Caroline? Like I really, really detest her. More than Chip. Which, I know guys, I know that's a big thing to say. But everyone knows how much of flake Chip is and no one (save Denise giving him $20,000) really trusts him with anything. Caroline on the other hand is the mother of 3 kids, her husband is so browbeaten (although not completely innocent in all of this) that he seems to just accept her bullshit as fact and she is just HORRIBLE. The fact that she was going to stay home with two of the kids and avoid Gary's family was bad enough, but when she  buys tickets to The Lion King to tempt Jonah into staying? THE KID IS 8 YEARS OLD. STOP USING HIM AS A PAWN IN YOUR POWER TRIPS.

Caroline made me so angry that I was just seething through the first part of this section. But then her lovely husband took that role because duuuuude, stop being such a dick. I mean, I can get where Gary's coming from. It must be frustrating to see your parents so ambivalent about their future and finances when you know the burden will fall on you in the future to keep them afloat. I can completely understand those feelings. Ok, brief detour. A few years ago my mum went home to Adelaide to care for my uncle and grandparents. My uncle had MS and my grandparents were his carers, but over the course of the week my nana had to have a stent placed in her heart and my papa needed a hip replacement. My mum went down to help them all out, because she's their kid and she loves them, but also because she's an occupational therapist so she knows how do this better than her other two brothers. Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this is because my mum would call me, frustrated, because my papa was putting on his shoes and bending down to lace them up, and after a hip replacement you aren't supposed to put that sort of pressure on it. But both my grandparents are super stubborn (sort of like Al, without the distance and assholery) and my mum was at her wits end, because she loved them and she didn't want them to cause themselves further pain down the road. So I can understand Gary's desperation at making his family sit down and discuss their future, because they're your parents and you want the best for them. BUT I don't think Gary actually gives a shit about them, I think the only thing he can think about is how much they're going to disservice him in the future. He takes a reasonable concern and blows it out of perspective. Like demanding his mum pay him the $5 for the screws. I mean FFS dude, it's $5. Family means occasionally letting $5 slide. And his blow up on Christmas breakfast was fucked up. I know everyone in this book is horrible, BUT DO NOT TREAT YOUR FAMILY LIKE THIS.

Another frustration was the reaction everyone had to whether or not Chip would make it to Christmas. I completely understand that he's a terrible person, and he never comes through on his promises, but you've just heard about massive civil unrest in Lithuania. Maybe show some concern for you brother. Oh the airports closed, see he won't be here after all! Never mind that that could mean that he's trapped or in an internment camp, or has been robbed and murdered for his stuff. Now I feel pretty weird standing up for Chip here, but it's not like he dashed to France. There is serious shit going down (sort of, Chip's section does sort of suggest that it's more talk than action) and your brother is in the thick of it. Pull your heads out of your asses!

The other thing I really wanted to talk about was the Al stuff. I really liked that we got to see this back story to Al, like him quitting his job to save Denise the spectacle of people finding out about her affair and calling out to Chip in the middle of the night. But I also had an issue with Franzen making it seem like "see he did love them, he just didn't like to show it, so all that abuse doesn't count!" Chip can rest easy now that he knows his dad loved him best, it doesn't matter that he was TERRIFIED of the man. It's like everything is erased because a sick old man occasionally thought about how much he loved his kids. Granted it seems he always treated Denise pretty well, and I did really love the sacrifice he made for her and how, in turn, that impacts current Denise. But while certain concessions can be made, at this point in time the damage is done.

I loved how the book suddenly "corrected" everyone, "we learnt some stuff about Al and Gary acted like petulant child and Chip lost his leather pants and didn't really talk about ANYTHING we'd been upset about, but suddenly we're all adjusted enough to start families with doctors and get new jobs as teachers and move to New York or to care for our dad". PUH-LEASE.

This is both me at this final section, and Al trying to escape the hospital.

They didn't sort out shit at Christmas, and all of their character flaws were based on their ridiculous childhood and that shit doesn't just heal overnight. Does Franzen think it does? Does he think psychological problems or ingrained character traits can just be fixed with a turkey dinner and a brief moment on a Lithuanian road? This family is fucked. They're all horrible people and they don't deserve a magical happy ever after. I would have been okay with Chip's magical transformation IF it stopped at his sacking up and taking responsibility and looking after his dad. And why do we get so much about Chip anyway? Why is it that all we get about Denise is that she moves to Brooklyn? And Gary comes back to visit his mother with Jonah? Ugh.

But that's it. That's all I want to discuss. I am done with the Lamberts. I am happy to leave them and I sure as hell am not going to say goodbye. But I am sad that the readalong is over, because even though this book had some poopy moments, everyone else's posts were golden and made me appreciate and enjoy the book way more than I would have otherwise. So thanks everyone for such hilarious posts and inspired gif choices and an extra big thank you to Alley because you're awesome and you hosted this SOB like a boss.

"They'd held their peace and let the proxy war unfold inside their daughter's head" The Correctioning Readalong week 4

DENISE SECTION!

And shush with your "it's boring" and "she's pretty bad too" - I NEED THIS. Jonah is great and all, but there needs to be one adult - just one! - that I don't actively hate and wish a house would fall on.

But yeah, ok, maybe it wasn't as great as it could have been. And did anyone else feel like Denise's section was re-heally tiny compared to the Lambert brothers? I mean, Chip even gets another 60+ pages this week! I think the biggest problem was starting with Brian and Robin - did we need to know that Robin comes from eleventy-billion generations of Teamsters*? Did Brian's work for the W-- corporation actually impact anything in any way? Also, why do literary authors do the W--- thing, is it because they're using actual company names and don't want to be sued? In which case, why not just make something up? I also really REALLY hated this whole "Robin is so beautiful and smart but she dresses like a grad student" bullshit. First, because I am a grad student and fuck you Franzen I have IMPECCABLE style, and two, why does she need to dress fancy and shave her armpits** - how does this impact on her worth as a person, a mother and a woman working in a community garden? Is it because of her mobster connections? Like, has Franzen watched too much Sopranos and decided he liked the idea of the less than classy mob aesthetic? I mean, look, I know people who argue "well each partner needs to keep their shit together visually because sex and stuff" but it doesn't really sound like Robin was super glamorous and then slumped into some sort of depression that she displayed through windbreakers and white sneakers, thus causing some kind of road block between her and Brian. And what was with Denise's incredulity that Robin owns white sneakers? Do Americans avoid plain white sneakers for some reason? Are they considered gauche? I know my mum always went for colourful and/or black ones when I was a kid because they were easily identifiable and didn't show dirt as much but Robin is a grown-ass woman. So what I'm saying here, or what I'm trying to say, is uhhhhh....?

But Denise! I kinda love her. I had a sneaking suspicion that Franzen would try and make her a lesbian (because obvs Enid would hate that) but I actually kind of liked this bisexual-attracted-to-older-married-people thing she has going on. Don't get me wrong, she's still a not great person and potentially worse than the others because she's purposely putting herself in a position that could end marriages, but unlike the others she seems to understand how fucked up her compulsions are and seems to both accept and understand the ramifications. Unlike Chip, who seems to still be unable to understand why screwing and stalking a student wasn't OK, and Gary who does shitty things under the guise of family. I also felt like it was an interesting complication to read about. It wasn't without the usually Franzen blehs, but I found it a lot more compelling and thought-provoking than the other two.

Like, OK.

"She didn't understand what made her so very mean. She was unhappy to be so mean. There seemed to be something wrong with the way she thought about herself and other people."

"She wanted above all to be a private person, and independent individual. She didn't want to belong to any group, let alone a group with bad haircuts and strange resentful clothing issues. She didn't want a label she didn't want a lifestyle.

And actually, maybe it's this quote that made me love her because it reminded me of Jonah (without the adultery undertones).

"She felt returned to a childhood world of Grimm and CS Lewis where a touch could be transformative" 

 I liked that she always seemed to be motivated to prove something. That even if she wore a short skirt she was going to be the most useful summer intern ever. Or she might be cooking for the size-zero elite but she was going to feed them damn good comfort food. She seems to genuinely love her career and for the right reasons. Again, she's nothing like Chip who seems to only be where he is because Enid and Al hated it or Gary who is almost allergic to trying hard. I feel bad that I'm pushing the good qualities of Denise while she's still a shockingly bad person by regular standards, but for Franzen she's basically an angel.

Or Batman. Because she has that whole hidden side, except she breaks up marriages not crime.

Do I have to talk about Chip? I really, really don't want to talk about Chip. Although surprise surprise he's a complete dick about his dad nearly dying, the importance of the last Christmas and Denise's life spiraling out of control. Like I needed a reason to hate him more. Even if he couldn't come back for Christmas, he could have been less of an absolute turd about it. But then he wouldn't be Chip, right guys?

Also, is Chip dead now or about to be tortured in a Lithuanian prison? If I've said it once I've said it 10,000 times - Franzen writes his book like a soap opera. Everything is super dramatic and with that awkward bright-lighting that makes everyone look terrible and the sets are made of cheap cardboard and every section ends with someone possibly dying. Except then, whoops don't worry they somehow survive falling 8 storeys and being dragged for several miles by a cruise liner. And we're not going to explain what sort of witchcraft made this work.

I groaned out loud when I read that Al was still alive. Franzen even acknowledged how flippin' big cruise liners are and the unlikeliness of his survival and STILL kept him alive. Why did he even need to fall off? Is that going to add anything to the narrative, anything that his goddamn Parkinson's and old-man-grumpiness wouldn't have already brought to the table? It's almost like Franzen anticipated us reading this book in sections and was like "I'm going to cliffhang the hell out of these bitches, aw yeah" (which is absolutely how Franzen speaks btw). And this man is considered not only a good writer, but a great writer?!

One more week until freedom!***

*Cheers to Alley for giving me the heads up on what a teamster even is. 
**Ok, it does weird me out a little to see ladies with hairy pits, but as long as they're not BO-y I couldn't care less.
***The State of being free, not the next Franzen novel.

Howdy Ho! - The Correctioning Readalong Week 3

What. The. Fuck.

Thanks to Alley for hosting this readalong, because I sure as hell can't call this book boring. Just when I think the characters are all as despicable as possible and I'm not sure how much more I can handle, Franzen throws a curve ball in the way of a legitimite talking shit. A TALKING PIECE OF POO. WITH AN ARMY OF OTHER POOS. WHO HARRASS AL.

Franzen seems to be trolling us so hard in the middle of his goddamn "literary" fiction book about a dysfunctional family and A TALKING PIECE OF POO (seriously, I can't even). I mean, there are other sections which are a bit WTF (mostly when Franzen tries to get his literary on) but seriously, THERE ARE LIKE 10 PAGES DEDICATED TO A HALLUCINATION ABOUT POO ATTACKS.

If you had asked me what I expected from this book (and I guess Alley kinda did in the intro post) I never would have imagined it'd be stinky hallucinations. Characters acting like colossal assholes yes, I saw that coming, but this? I honest to god thought I was going mad and hallucinating the whole thing. I have 4 pages of notes about this section, but I just don't know if I can get past this. I mean I'll try, but how do you talk about the breakdown of two separate marriages when there's talking poo on the table?

*shakes head*

Oh and Franzen, just a note, if you're going to write in a hallucination about a racist/misogynistic/Ayn Rand-uber-conservative talking poo, don't then get all coy and describe a toilet as 'ordure strafed'.

So how terrible are both Carline AND Gary? Every now and then I'd start to be like "fuck Caroline, god damn she's awful" and then Gary would do something bonkers like mutilate his hand while drunk and wrap a bread bag around it, and I'd be like "fuck Gary, he's legit insane". They're both the absolute worst, and they are dragging those poor kids down with them. At this stage my hope for this novel is that they have Christmas in St. Jude and during a tremor Al knocks over a candle and sets the house on fire and they all die. But the kids manage to live because they were outside playing soccer with Denise. Denise's survival all depends on how awful Franzen makes her in the next section, so it's possible the kids just have some kind of Peter Pan like existence where they go wild and then steal a girl to be their mum. They've already got the surveillance equipment.

The really annoying this is, Franzen keeps trying to give this back story to their childhoods to try and reason away why they're being so awful, but it's not just the Lamberts* that are awful, EVERYONE is. The Swedish people on the cruise are dogshit. The boss of Chip's married ex-girlfriend is a bitch. Al's old neighbour who bought stock on an inside tip is a jagweed. And I don't know if Franzen's whole point is to be like "look how shitty and depressed humans are, regardless of how they're brought up", but it's really starting to piss me off. Because that isn't real life. People aren't like this. People escape rubbish backgrounds and act like civilised human beings. People are brought up by abusive dads, or inattentive dads, or wacko obsessive mothers every single day, and they can't use that as an excuse to behave like escapees from Arkham Asylum. Because you know what, playing your kids against each other is fucked up. Buying your child surveillance equipment that they'll use for a week and then discard or not holding them responsible for breaking something (whether it's tacky or expensive is unimportant) is fucked up. Picking at your wife about her injury for weeks in order to ignore the real problem is fucked up. Refusing to go to your husband's family home for Christmas because of a promise he made 8 years earlier is fucked up. Throwing out the gift your mother-in-law gave you ON CHRISTMAS DAY WHILE THEY'RE STILL AT YOUR HOUSE is fucked up. Normal people don't do these things, hell, even crazy people don't do this. It's getting to the point that it isn't fun to read anymore. Chip's section was a real doozie, but at least we got to point and laugh at how pathetic he was while he was being a douche. Now I'm just getting angry all the time and this is turning into one of those books that I'm pretty sure I'll finish and then need to spend an entire day crying in a shower to feel clean again. This book is rough guys.

With all of that said, I don't entirely hate the book. I'm not enjoying it as much as last week, and it's definitely harder for me to motivate myself to read more than 10 pages at a time, but there are bright points. Like Sylvia. I'm not sure what I make of her and her story about a daughter being murdered (seriously, Franzen is the soapiest of literary authors) but there was something really great about the line;

"She wanted him dead despite even her realisation, in therapy, that his smirk had been a protective mask donned by a lonely boy surrounded by people who hated him, and that if she'd only smiled at him like a forgiving mother he might have laid aside his mask and wept with honest remorse"

I also found the story about Enid and Al's marriage troubles, and Chip and Gary's various attempts to please their family compelling reading. I didn't like it as a way of explaining or rationalising their grown up behaviour, but it was well written and well constructed. There's that passage (and I can't be bothered finding it, but Other Kayleigh took a photo of it on her instagram) when Chip's at the dinner table for so long that Enid's speech just becomes the various grammar components, and I really liked that. I liked reading from Enid's perspective "he came home and didn't even kiss me and now he's in his lab, what an asshole" and then switching to Al "I've been in here for 3 hours with the lights out, what the F woman" because that felt like the kind of stubborn reactionary actions I could see snowballing into a marriage that endures but continues to fester for 40 years. There are so many bits to this book that I like, but Franzen is so heavy handed and just seems so angry himself that the book as a whole just isn't working properly.

So I'm a little nervous about the next section because it must be time for Denise right? We've had such tiny little glimpses at her, and so far she seems to be pretty sensible and level-headed. She also seems to be the primary recipient of her family's ire. Al obviously worships her (which is, I'm sure, a large part of Enid's issue with her), but both Chip and Gary have some weird Freudian obsessions with her. There was the satiny pecs note from Chip last week when she featured in that magazine, and this week we had Gary stressing out about her "naked legs" when they went to that pharmaceutical investment meeting. It's super weird.

Also, has anyone made sense of the medical stuff thus far? We have the potentially patent-infringing PD cure and Enid's lion pills (that scene with the cruise doctor was super-bonkers) and I can't really make sense of what Franzen is trying to say here. Is he against pharmaceutical advancements? Big Pharma? Capitalism? Investments? Advertising? Shilling for investors? The legally drugged out upper-middle class? Why two scenes of such dense and boring and borderline insane medical jargon so close together?

Anyway, I expect we've got a whole lot more insanity waiting for us next week. But guess what! We're two thirds of the way to finishing this book!

*The Lamberts thing is throwing me for a loop because of Breaking Bad. These assholes don't deserve to use that name.

"Self-inflicted. You Pathetic American" - The Corrections readalong Week 2

   Week 2 of #MonthofFranzy and we're off with a bang! Thanks x10 to Alley for hosting this readalong, and - I assume - paying for our therapy if this book turns out to be rubbish. Right Alley? Alley...?

So get this, I think I like The Corrections.

I know Anne, I know

I honest to god was expecting this book to be hella dense and that pretentious '25 word sentence when 4 would have done fine' crap so I'm really, truly surprised at how readable it is. I really didn't like the opening paragraph - actually that whole first section before we meet Chip was a bit bleh- what with the sentences about acorns showering onto homes with no mortgages, but once I got into the swing of it, I really got into the swing of it.

So that first bit with Enid and Alfred. I found it a little confusing, like I was coming into the story 10 pages in and was madly scrambling to work out who each of them were and why Enid hides things all over the house and something about an alarm bell that I'm still not sure if it was metaphorical or literal. But I guess in a weird way it did its job, because I didn't just give up or scribble BLECHHH across the page, and I think I may hate Enid even more if I hadn't had this period of crazy weirdness to add some depth to her. So good job Franzen.

So I guess it's time to talk about Chip. What. A. Pretentious. Dick.

In this scenario Chip is Kirk, and I am Kirk's hand.

First he shows up to meet his parents in leather pants and earrings, then we get some sound-bites of his screenplay which is 10 pages of literary criticism and then 150 of boobs. Then we find out that he was the WORST teacher, like ugh, his class sounded like the pits. And then we see not once, but twice, how fucking insane he is in a relationship. Like seriously, if you ever meet Franzen  Chip then for the love of all that is holy, RUN. Otherwise he will stalk you and sniff at a couch for your scent (ugh, seriously, this guy) before masturbating over whatever sensory hallucination he manages to spark.

He's literally the absolute worst. No one, in the history of humankind, even comes close. And I think a lot of my enjoyment in this book is going to be derived from how much pain he inflicts. God I hope it's a lot.

 This first section was basically all about him. We slipped back to Enid and Alfred and Chip's sister Denise from time to time, but mostly we followed Chip as he stole money from a bartender, ran in the rain, heard about his revolting sexathon with his undergrad girlfriend and came into some money. And while I am definitely loving hating Chip. I think I'm more interested in hearing more from Denise. she seems to actually be a decent person. Like, since everyone is god-awful people in this book I'm guessing she's going to do/say something to change my mind soon, but for now her biggest crimes are giving Chip money and disappointing her mum at every turn. She seems to genuinely care for her dad (probably because her mum is such a bitch to her) and anyone who can cook is friend material in my book because, tasty benefits of friendships are my jam.

I'm a little unsure about Enid and Alfred. Alfred has sort of been set up as this distant, demanding father (at least in Chip's eyes) but he seems like a pretty cool guy. The scene where he buys the armchair to command a little agency in his home was brilliant, and I liked the little insights into his mind as he struggled to eat Denise's snacks or sit down on Chips sex-scent-stalking-couch. Maybe we'll find out that he was as viscous and mean as Chip remembers, but at this stage he just seems like a stubborn old man who, like many people from that generation, aren't exactly fantastic at showing their emotions. It actually broke my heart a little bit when he kept asking about Chip, and wondering where he was. If Franzen explores that a little more I'll maybe stop referring to Chip as Franzen in my head (nope, they'll always be the same guy to me).

I'm not a huge fan of Franzen's metaphors just yet - case in point: "Two empty hours were a sinus in which infections bred"  is that even a metaphor or was he stating a fact - but I do like the descriptions about Alfred's Parkinson's. The lost in the woods analogy about birds eating up the bread he left as markers, which I thought did a really fantastic job of laying out exactly how hard the disease would be to live with after 50+ years of health and mental acumen.

I'm not going to discuss Enid yet because she's not even a character, she's just a lazy cartoon of the evil meddling mother stereotype

And I think I'm just about done.

Wait. Notes! I have notes that I couldn't work out how to fit into this post!

~What the fuck does "satiny pecs" mean? Chip is offended by Denise wearing a tank top in a magazine picture and showing off her "satiny pecs". Is Franzen referring to Denise's breasts, because it's a reeeeaally creepy description.

~OF COURSE Chip's girlfriend is married to the fucking Prime Minister of Lithuania. He couldn't possibly just be a banker or lawyer. Jesus Christ Franzen, you better be going somewhere with this.

~Although, I really love Gitanas. I would be happy for an entire book about Gitanas. His sass to Chip about his "scars" is perfection (see title quote) - the guy was a freaking dissident and has been TORTURED. Ugh, Chip is the worst.

~Every now and then Franzen will include a single word in a characters accent, "I'm explaining to Cheep" "He's matooring" - either write in their accent all the time or never. It's just obnoxious otherwise, we know where they're from we can work the accents out for ourselves thank you very much.

Harry Potter and the Wrapping Up of the Super Long and Super Awesome Readalong

So after a very computer heavy work week last week I got to Friday and the thought of going near my computer or blog made me want to vomit. So this is very late, but since it's the wrap up post I could hardly skip it could I?

I will keep it short though.

It's been a super enjoyable 6 months, and I actually spent part of last night talking to another group of friends about how awesome HP is and how it's the best series you could ever possibly grow up with and I was mentioning all the dirty references to penises and prefect bathroom nookie and they looked at me in SHOCK! And they're all boys, boys who talk about masturbation in front of me faaaaar too much. So well done ladies, I think that's proof that our readalong is a success!

So thanks to Alice for hosting, thanks for all the awesome posts full of the best gifs and the best nit-picking questions. And a special thanks to Emily to introduced me to my first ever piece of HP fan-fic, and holy crap I loved it. So much more satifying than that ridic epilogue chapter that I refuse to believe actually exists. And now I'm trapped firmly in the 'fan-fic will make me forget the series is over' cycle so maybe I should take back that thanks Emily!

Byeeeee, see you for regular posting about books that aren't Harry Potter and therefore can never come close to the intrinsic fantasticness of this series!

Byeeeee Hogwarts! I'll miss you 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows - Readalong Post 2

It's been a little while since I've read DH and when I came up to the Godric's Hollow chapter and Bathilda Bagshot beckons at them to follow her I suddenly remembered everything that was about to happen I shoved my hands over my ears and shrieked, shrieked I tell you! The whole thing is sooooo creeptastic, and one of the few moments in the series when my heart threatens to fling itself out of my chest Alien style.

"And in the instant that he looked away, his eyes raking the tangled mess for a sword hilt, a ruby, she moved weirdly; he saw it out the corner of his eye; panic made him turn and horror paralysed him as he saw the old body collapsing and the great snake pouring from the place where her neck had been."

The whole scene, from seeing her on the street, to venturing into her home, to her silent movements around the house, to her transformation...it's so visceral and terrifying. I also feel like it's compounded by the grief in the previous chapter. Harry is finally home and found his parent's graves and his old home and the markers of their plight and it's both sad and kind of euphoric, because there's all those recent markings of people placing their faith in him. Anyway, you're in an emotional (SO EMOTIONAL) state because of all this (and Ron's departure, more on that in a sec) and then BOOM, creepy old lady turns into a snake and everything's a blur of chaos and fear.

It's also such a phenomenal scene in the movie. Even though I knew, like 100% knew what was coming and that Harry and Hermione weren't going to die I JUMPED 10 feet into the air and clenched onto the arm of my seat at the cinema because HOLY SHIT TENSE MUCH?

Oh man, that scene with Lupin upsets me SO MUCH. I guess I get why Harry acts as he does, but I find that whole scene so extremely upsetting. I just want to jump in and be like "Guys! You are all in constant risk of losing your life, stop fighting because when/if one of you dies this whole thing is going to be so much worse. Guys? Guys? Stop ignoring me, I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU."

Also (THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD, SORRY MEG, BUT I HAVE ANOTHER KITTEN GIF FOR YOU) I hate that they have this fight and then JKR fucking kills Lupin and Tonks! I'll go on about this more later in the last section, but I feel like this was some real emotional manipulation on her part, making me feel all twisty and sad when Harry's a dick (with the right intentions) in this scene and then compounding that sadness by creating a new orphan À la Harry and the death of Harry's final father figure. Fuck you JKR, seriously. (END SPOILERS)

Strike last week's gif, this one is adorable X adorable

So Ron. Poor, poor, poor Ron. I mentioned in the comments of Emily's post last week how sad I am for Ron's character. In the PS/SS he's set out to be the strategist of the group, as well as the only one with any solid understanding of life in the magical world. But instead he becomes Harry's slightly bitter and clearly less talented friend for 6 books. I'll die defending Ron, but I think it's less because he's a great character and more because I think he could have been a great character.

The thing is, most of his characteristics are dampened by others doing it better. He's quite funny, but not as funny as the twins. He's really brave when it comes to protecting the people he loves, but Harry's braver. He's adorably dopey at times, but Neville really has the lock on that one. His lifetime in the magical community comes in handy ("Have you gone mad? Are you a witch or not?") but he's not a font of wisdom like Hermione or Dumbledore. It's like he's the youngest son all over again, constantly looked over because Harry, Hermione, Luna or Dumbledore are 100 times better, and better first. So I really feel for him, because I know people this week are probably going to be "hrmph Ron sucks or Ron's a coward or myeh Ron" about him deserting the others, but I think if he'd been given the development of everyone else it'd be less "Ron sucks" and more, "yeah, it was a shitty move, but it was a reaction and one he regretted immediately after, and let's be honest we'd probably do the same thing". He's the Sansa of the Harry Potter series, so easy to hate or mock, even though he's probably the most realistic (when done right) of the lot.

Do you know how hard it was to find a Ron gif that didn't involve him eating?

On the plus side though, I do think that single scene with the locket and the smoke versions of Harry and co does a better job of illustrating the complexities of being Ron Weasley than any other scene in the entire series. It's also a brilliant scene because it gave us that hilarious and awkward scene where naked smoke Harry and Hermione gobble at each other's face and made every single person in the cinema cringe.

Oh what's that? I have a gif of that awkward scene? Of course I do! Enjoy.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - Readalong Post 1

Sorry I missed last week, life got in the way and I was so busy and then all of a sudden it was Tuesday...! But let me tell you, you guys really missed out, because I was going to have this bit where I talked about how flew powder is like wizard Facebook because of all the faces talking in the fire and then something snarky about how pointless both are. BOOM. That right there is comedy gold, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to deliver it for you last week.

So, I don't know if you recall but this is the film that begins with Harry trying to chat up a waitress and then Dumbledore comes and cock-blocks him like a mofo. OLD MAN, YOU BASICALLY SENTENCED THIS KID TO DEATH 2 WEEKS AGO, LET HIM GET SOME ACTION OKAY.

Nuh uh Dumbledore, not cool

Actually, I think the film starts with the Spinner Lane scene (which is awesome squared) and it's probably my favourite of the movies (and maybe second of the books). I feel like it was *really* funny in a ham-y sort of way AND Jim Broadbent as Slughorn was a piece of GENIUS casting, although I haven't seen it in about 3 years SO WHO EVEN KNOWS.

SEE. FUNNY.

End of movie minutia, start of book bullet points.

*I don't really care for the first chapter,  (JKR I already understand how magic works stop explaining it to me) but if I'm ever prime minister I'm going to arrange a prank for whoever takes over from me which is basically a re-enactment of this scene. It will be amazing.

*Chapter 2 and the Snape/Bellatrix snark is super fantastico. I'd read an entire book that's just them being awesomely nasty to each other.

*Case in point: 

"Yes, indeed, most admirable," said Snape in a bored voice. "Of course, you weren't a lot of use to him in prison, but the gesture was undoubtedly fine" 

*Case in point 2.0:

"That was your sacrifice for the Dark Lord, not to teach your favourite subject?" 

*Is anyone else amazed that Snape actually owns more than one glass AND a serving tray?

*So Emmaline Vance was collateral damage so Snape's cover holds, and Dumbledore and the Order were cool with that? #WizardsAreDicks

*Why doesn't everyone just have a secret keeper for their house? Voldemort sneak attack problem SOLVED.

*Dumbledore reminds me a lot of Luna, especially in that scene with the Dursleys. It's like they're operating in a different dimension close to ours but not quite matching up.

"You did not do as I asked. You have never treated Harry as a son. He has known nothing but neglect and often cruelty at your hands. The best thing that can be said is that he has at least escaped the appalling damage you have inflicted upon the unfortunate boy sitting between you."

Preach it Dumbledore

*WAIT. Does Slughorn recognise the ring on p69?

*MOAR LILLY!

*"What is your dearest ambition?" "to find out how aeroplanes stay up" *NEVER CHANGE MR WEASLEY.

*Completely forgot that Fleur comes back in this book and that they called her phlegm. Mean.

* Shut up Hermione, I wanted to hear about Beauxbaton's education system.

*Did their OWLS owls go via the ministry? When exactly are they being searched?

*Ok so now we know a pass = 1 OWL. So the Twins failed 4 subjects. My mum would not have let me back in the house if I failed more than half of my classes so hats off to Mrs W for being as cool headed about their grades as she was. Also I assume they aced their charms, potions and transfig classes since their joke shop stock is pretty flippin' advanced.

*Sooooo, did Bill need Harry's permission or did he just stroll right into his vault? So much for top security. Banks, amirite?

*Witherwings sounds like something you'd use to insult a hippogriff. "Ugh, Buckbeak you are such a witherwings, just go away."

*What happened to Bellatrix's husband? He was in jail with her right? Did he get released too?

*It's dangerous to be seen buying/selling in Knockturn Alley? Another reasons wizards need the internet, Dark Arts Ebay.

*JKR, from the bottom of my heart I thank you for U-NO-POO.

10 Reasons why you should watch Happy Endings

When I'm not reading or doing my PhD stuff I watch a lot of TV. Like a ridiculously huge amount. Unfortunately, I seem to have a habit of developing deep feelings for shows bound for cancellation, which is where Happy Endings looks like it's heading toward (knock on wood). But it isn't too late! I can't help because I'm in Australia, but all of you Americans MUST watch the show, or at least DVR it, so that people like I can enjoy it for years longer. But I'd prefer if you watch it and like it OBVIOUSLY, so here is another gif filled list that will make you a Happy Endings convert. FYI, don't search Tumblr or Google Images for gifs of this show without the safe search on...live and learn people, you live and learn.


The Premise

After Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) leaves Dave (Zachary Knighton) at the alter for a dude on rollerblades the foundation of this crazy group of 6 is shaken as they try and make the gang hang stick. But this show isn't really about that, it's basically Friends in the late 2000s, set in Chicago with food trucks, gay guys, pop culture references, mile a minute dialogue and lots and lots of puns. And dancing, sooo much dancing! I didn't realise how much song and dance was in this till I collected the gifs. The characters are all loud and outrageous, and Max (Adam Pally) is easily one of the greatest comedic gay characters on TV because his sexuality doesn't define him, he's just a hilarious and lazy slob who happens to like dudes. So if you're a human with anything resembling a sense of humour you're sure to find *something* to like in this show. Or, y'know, ALL OF IT.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Readalong Post 3

So this week has been hectic. Wednesday was my PhD confirmation, basically where I had to deliver a 45 minute speech about my study and why it should continue. It was terrifying and stressful. So needless to say there wasn't much sleep in the 4 days leading up to that and then afterwards I came home and slept about 14 hours straight. So I'm going to keep this post short and in bullet points and spend my time commenting on your posts instead. Okay? Okay!

*I love everything about Cho and Harry's awkward kiss and Hermione's much needed talk afterwards. I don't care for Cho but it could not be more awkward and teenager-y if it was taken out of an actual teen's life. Although the whole ex-boyfriend killed by an evil wizard thing might be a bit unrelateable for most.

*I love Lockhart's little cameo. His self-reflection on being liked for being handsome and his indignation about not learning joined up writing for nothing - perfection. 

*The scene with the Longbottom's SLAYS me - poor Neville, it must be so hard. Sad face. 

*Come on Dumbledore, couldn't McGonagall or someone have taught Harry occlumency? Why did you think that was even approaching a good idea?

*Snape's a dick. 

*Hagrid's line "Make's a diff'rence, havin' a decent family, he said. 'Me dad was decent. An' your mum an' dad were decent. If they'd lived, life woulda bin diff'rent, eh" basically sums up the whole series in one sentence.

*I would read Hermione's book about understanding girls and the mad things they do. 

*Question: Can photos see who is looking at them? I mean, portraits can talk about react, but can photos? Or do they just react the way the real them would act in their situation? I'm just wondering if Bellatrix would still be scowling if it was Voldemort looking down at her picture in the prophet.

*SNITCHES GET STITCHES MARIETTA (or spots rather)

*Ugh, Percy and Umbridge still stink.

*That scene in Dumbledore's office is so unnecessarily dramatic and makes things worse for EVERYONE. 

*HOW does Harry manage to leave Snape during the pensieve memory? That's not how memory works JKR...

*"I should have made my meaning plainer,' said Professor McGonagall, turning at last to look Umbridge directly in the eyes. 'He has achieved high marks in all Defence Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher" 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Readalong Post 2

Wow. This post ended up super ragey. And there are a couple of minor spoilers (just about this book), I couldn't help myself in my Umbridge/Percy rage. So just tread carefully newbies.

I might have complained about the angst last week but by the time I get to chapter 13 I'm well and truly over it, which is good because it means I can get appropriately riled up with Umbridge and her punishment, which is actually torture and I'D HAPPILY POKE HER STUPID EYES OUT WITH SCALDING POKERS YOU STUPID EVIL HAG.

Umbridge. Is. The. Worst. Voldemort is evil in the sense that he's the bad guy and therefore must be, but Umbridge is actually evil. Whyyyy is she like she is? I've never really understood her motivation in this book. Because forcing a child to WRITE LINES WITH THEIR OWN BLOOD is not proof of you believing the school is run poorly, it's proof of your INSANITY. Is she supposed to be indicative of ministry folk? Does Fudge know what she's doing? And approve it? And she's meant to be rile up the Slytherin hate right? What with her hatred of "half-breeds" and fondness of torture and why she hates all Gryffindors, even the ones who don't believe Harry *cough* Seamus *cough*?  I know the first time I read this book I was expecting to find out she was chums with Voldy, and maybe doing a Crouch 2.0 thing. But nope, just a major evil bitch.

I guess JKR just wanted it to be VERY clear who was on Harry's side and who wasn't. Because we also get that maddening owl from Percy, who was always a pretentious piece of shit but crosses over into complete dicknose territory when he writes to Ron. Did anyone else think Percy might be imperius'd when they first read this? Because he was always the worst Weasley, but he seemed pretty friendly with Harry at school and always respected Dumbledore but suddenly he's really aggressively "herp derp Dumbledore's senile, derpity Harry's dangerous". I was pretty disappointed when it's revealed NOPE Percy is just a power hungry asshole happy to turn against his family for a shitty assistant role. Ugh, Percy is second only to Umbridge.

This is turning into such a rage post. I swear I didn't set out to be so shouty. My last point is a little rage-y but much less shouty. Mainly because it involves Hermione, so it's more disappointed than angry. So I am completely Team Ron about the house elves. Regardless of your thoughts about elf slavery, tricking them into taking clothes is SUPER unfair. Does Hermione actually think that the second they pick up her knobbly little hat the spell would be broken and they'd start a group sing along of George Michael's Freedom? You're supposed to be the smartest witch of your year, how are you so naive? And while we're on Hermione, lady you need to lay off Luna. Just because she believes in things you don't doesn't mean you treat her like garbage.

Although kudos to JKR for the subtle integration of the religious/atheist divide and neat little commentary on it featuring two of our favourite witches. I love when Luna calls out Hermione on her shortsightedness, because that's absolutely one of Hermione's biggest flaws - just because you can't see something doesn't mean it isn't possible. I mean, I guarantee Hermione thought magic was bullshit before her letter arrived. I'd also like to think it was a subtle dig at the folk who were railing on HP for being satanic - it's sad that their imaginations have shriveled up and are unable to digest fun anymore. Tolerance guys, it's not just a song by the Sorting Hat.

But it's OK Hermione, I still love you. But you Umbridge? And Percy? Nope you are forever on my shit-list.

More.

*I'm sorry but Malfoy is NO GOOD. His childish attack on the Quidditch pitch just proves that he's a shitty person and NOT just a product of his parent's intolerance.

*Let's spare a thought for the poor souls in charge of collecting dragon dung for a living.

*So Hogwarts is a public school right? I mean, that's the only way the ministry would be able to impose so many rules and force Umbridge onto the staff right? Which means that Hogwarts fees would be all/mostly subsidised by wizarding taxes.

*I didn't even mention Dumbledore's Army! Egad! I want to be part of that club! I'll take Zachariah Smith's place because he is a poo-face.

*Hagrid's back! And how much do you want to know how his dad stuck with his mum for 3 years if she was anything like the giants Hagrid mentions!?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Readalong Post 1

Alright, first things first. I don't really like this book. Except that I do. I actually love a lot of this book, but the shouty angst make it really hard to truly enjoy.

And before some of you start to wail about Harry being through so much, and adolescence is a bitch and how'd I react if an entire school thought I was a mental liar, let me just say, I get it. I understand why Harry is as he is in this book, I feel for him and I empathise with all the swirling emotions, hormones and craziness going through this head. That doesn't mean I want to read about a 15 year old sulk around with his hands shoved in his pockets. I went through that thank you very much, I don't want to do it again. And it isn't just Harry. Ron and Hermione are just as shouty and angsty and annoying in this book to me, and again I get it, but I do. not. want.

Moving on!

I'm not really sure why Ron is made prefect over Dean or Seamus or Neville (OK, maybe I get why he gets it over Neville). As far as I can tell he doesn't do much/at all better than the others in class, and he's broken so many school rules he probably should have been ineligible (although Gryffindor's motto probably reads "we break rules and you love us for it" in Latin) but I really love that he gets the badge. It's a very awwwww-y moment when he gets the badge and gets all red-eared and Mrs Weasley is still super proud of him even though she's had 25 other sons get better badges, but it's also step 1 in 'Ron gets on top of his issues with being the youngest male Weasley and lack of confidence'. Ickle Ronnikins is growing up, and this develops nicely from GoF where he had to confront his feels of inadequacy about being The Boy Who Lived's best bud.

TEAM RON! WHA-WHAT!

So. Does anyone have a clue how the OWLs work? It can't be 1 OWL = 1 class, because an earlier book mentions Percy getting something ridiculous like 30# OWLs, and since Hermione cracked taking something like 12 classes how could that work? Also, Ron says (p205) that Fred and George got 3 OWLs each, which would mean what? They didn't complete 4 of their exams? In which case how could they possibly be let into their next year at Hogwarts?

The grading system is:
Outstanding
Exceeds Expectations
Acceptable
Poor
Dreadful
Troll (although this might have been a joke?)

So one option is that each grade is attributed a number of OWLs, so O=5 and D=1 (assuming T is a joke) in which case that would mean Percy got 6 O's, but of the subjects Harry and Ron are taking 7 are compulsory (Transfig, charms, potions, DADA, herbology, astronomy, history) and Percy would definitely have taken at least 3 extras, surely. And back with Fred and George they should have at least 7, assuming they failed all of them and didn't get higher than a D. All I can assume is that when they say they "got an OWL" they mean they got an O-grade, which still doesn't make sense with Percy's 30 OWLs but it's starting to hurt my brain, so I give up.

STOP MAKING ME DO MATHS JKR!

Extra stuff:

*"Fred and I managed to keep our peckers up somehow" (p205) This might only be funny to me because I don't know how far this slang has spread, but in Australia a pecker is a penis. Rowling's lewd humour continues!

*I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want to know what Dudley sees/feels when the dementors attack.

*I love the ministry bits in this book, like them colluding to expel Harry by changing rooms and trying him in front of the full Wizengamot, or by hiring Umbridge as DADA (I'll probably scream and rant a lot next week after Harry's detention). Fudge is a pathetic little weasel, and it's great to have an adversary that isn't Voldemort, even if that doesn't remain the case all book long.

*I am firmly anti-Dursley but I really feel for them when Big-D is returned to them post-dementor. That must be a parent's worst nightmare.

*I love that Mafalda Hopkirk ends her letter which tells Harry that he's being expelled and is going to a disciplinary hearing with "Hoping you are well" (p30).

*Tonks is awesome, I would love to have the opportunity to change my appearance. How could you not become a spy?

*Mrs Weasley's fight against that boggart is heartbreaking, and just another example of the families and loss motif I mentioned last week.

*I listened to this section on audiobook, and damn that sorting hat song is so bad out loud. When I read it I can pretend the meter and rhyme works better, but it really, really doesn't.

Till next week, when I get on my soapbox and yell about Hermione (shock! gasp!) and how Umbridge is the most evil and scary villain in the series....

#Ok, I exaggerated. I just check and he got 12 OWLS, so the idea is that 1 OWL = 1 class but I still call bullshit because Hermione only gets 11 OWLS and with divination and muggle studies (which she dropped before OWLS) would have had 13 BUT she needed a time turner and that was supposed to be this big deal because she's a super achiever. How'd Percy and Bill manage it then HUH?