Harry Potter and the Wrapping Up of the Super Long and Super Awesome Readalong

So after a very computer heavy work week last week I got to Friday and the thought of going near my computer or blog made me want to vomit. So this is very late, but since it's the wrap up post I could hardly skip it could I?

I will keep it short though.

It's been a super enjoyable 6 months, and I actually spent part of last night talking to another group of friends about how awesome HP is and how it's the best series you could ever possibly grow up with and I was mentioning all the dirty references to penises and prefect bathroom nookie and they looked at me in SHOCK! And they're all boys, boys who talk about masturbation in front of me faaaaar too much. So well done ladies, I think that's proof that our readalong is a success!

So thanks to Alice for hosting, thanks for all the awesome posts full of the best gifs and the best nit-picking questions. And a special thanks to Emily to introduced me to my first ever piece of HP fan-fic, and holy crap I loved it. So much more satifying than that ridic epilogue chapter that I refuse to believe actually exists. And now I'm trapped firmly in the 'fan-fic will make me forget the series is over' cycle so maybe I should take back that thanks Emily!

Byeeeee, see you for regular posting about books that aren't Harry Potter and therefore can never come close to the intrinsic fantasticness of this series!

Byeeeee Hogwarts! I'll miss you 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Readalong post 4 *SOB*

So I had all these plans to write about the characters and the info dump chapters and ask questions about whether certain things mean certain other things and then I got to the unimaginable shriek of grief that McGonagall made when they all thing Harry is dead and woooooshhhhhh every plan for a coherent post went the way of a fizzing whizbee.

I greatly appreciate JKR's attempt to add some Looney Tunes funnies into the battle with the "Snape shaped hole in the window". It's not much but it's a welcome reprieve from all the deaths of my favourite characters.

And holy shit, death much? Since people always complain about how unrealistic it is that heroes live through battles JKR decided to kill EVERYONE.

Fred's death will never not kill me. I left reading this till the last minute and I was a WREAK yesterday afternoon. And stupid Percy, I know I should be happy that they reconnected and that Fred got to witness Percy's very first joke but but but Fred is dead dead dead. So I kinda still hate Percy and wish he'd died instead. Stupid Percy.

And Lupin and Tonks. I detest JKR for killing them both, I didn't care for them as a couple but Harry Pottering poor little Teddy? I don't care about the mirroring of generations... Nuh uh, JKR, NOT COOL. Side note: Who raises Teddy? Is Tonks' mum still alive? In the epilogue which shall not be discussed Harry says that Teddy comes around 4 nights a week. So did he live with Harry and then move out? Or did he never live with Harry?

Voldemort's death isn't super spectacular which I kind of love, it's like JKR was denying him from the satisfaction of going out in style. But I also love how he's basically taken down by his own hubris. Silly man, did you learn NOTHING from having your spirit ripped from you body?

I'm so glad I didn't do a death tally, because ummmm, how would you have room for anything else in your post? Also, Harry notes that 50 people on his side were dead, how many death eaters died do you think? Did the Order and the students use curses that could kill or mostly just stun people?

But tallies are fun and since this section of the book was 99.9999% battle I'm going to do a badass tally. Beside it means I get to talk about ALIVE people and avoid the fact that EVERYTHING I EVER KNEW AND LOVED HAS BEEN DESTROYED.

1. Neville Longbottom.

Neville is Ash, Ash is Neville

He kills Nagini immediately after Voldemort set his head on fire. And that's just like one thing. He averages about 40 kickass feats an hour all year. He is amazing.

2. Professor McGonagall.

"if any of you attempt to sabotage our resistance, or take up arms against us within this castle, then, Horace, we duel to kill" 

Do I even need to add anything to that quote? There is no questioning the badass-ness of McGonagall.

3. Luna Lovegood

Did Luna even realise she was in the middle of a war? Someone needs to work out how to bottle Luna's calmness and sell that shit because they would make a mint. And that scene where she helps Harry with his patronus? I want to tattoo her name across my heart because she is the greatest person alive. (How stupid is it that JKR didn't set Luna up with Neville? Can you imagine their kids? Super handsome, super badass, super fantastic, for sure.)

4. Mrs Weasley

Mrs W was always straight up the coolest, but her fight against Bellatrix and her ability to fight right after losing her son makes her a legend. If one of my kids died I would curl up in a ball next to them and never get up again. Respect.

5. Harry Potter

Except replace Pippin with Horcruxes.

Neville (rightly) gets most of the badass attention, but Harry deserves a sliver of that spotlight. His rescue of Draco in the room of requirement, his decision to go into the forest without saying goodbye to everyone, letting Voldemort KILL HIM WITHOUT FLINCHING and his monologuing while facing Voldemort part 2... Dude is a straight up BAMF.


And I think I'm going to leave it there because I know you guys are going to make me want to cry in your posts (damn you all DAMN YOU TO HELL) and I do not want to feel these feels more than I have to. You can't make me, JK Rowling can't make me and damn it I am basically a shrivelled up sultana (raisin to you weird Northern Hemisphere folk) from all of the crying.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Readalong Part 3

Ugh Deathly Hallows you are KILLING me.

I got to Dobby's final appearance while I was sitting in my office and before I realised what was happening I had tears running down my cheeks. Thank christ the office was empty because that could have lead to an uncomfortable discussion!

"The Elf had gone where he couldn't call him back" 

As I got older I was a little more meh about Dobby in the series, but when I was 13 and first introduced to him I loved him. I thought he was wonderful and weird and adorable and I loved how easily and openly he loved Harry. So even though by book 7 I wasn't super excited by Dobby's arrival, his death KILLED me. He's so innocent and nice and loyal and never did anything wrong, and he marks the beginning of the end - we're basically going to have another character dead every second page from here on out. Oh, and the line about grief pushing Voldemort out - which Dumbledore would have called love? WAHHHHHHHH!

You know what I want to know? Why doesn't the trio do some good old muggle disguise work? It wouldn't protect them indefinitely, but if Ron dyed his hair dark brown and put on a pair of glasses, Hermione cut her hair super short and went blonde and Harry -- well I don't know what Harry would do because his scar would be the real issue, but if they all made some superficial changes like that it'd be much harder for a death eater to pick up a copy of the Daily Prophet and be like "uh doy, this looks just like you girly".

The final movie/s were probably the best in the series, and mostly because of the AMAZING animation of The Tale of the Three Brothers. It was so freaking cool, and perfect and it made me sad we didn't see creative interpretations like that in the first 6 films. If you haven't seen the film, here's the animation in full.

Full sentences are becoming harder, so here's some bullet points.

*How genius is the taboo? I mean, it basically guarantees that they don't waste their time finding small time folk. THAT'S why Voldemort is the dark lord. 

*"He must have known you'd always come back"  Harry loves his Weezy.

*THIS BITCH.

 *I'm sure I read somewhere that JKR meant for the werewolves to be analogous with AIDS sufferers, but the description of Greyback, with his teeth and nails and everything, makes him sound like a creepy ass meth addict.

*Anytime Ron refers to chess like he does when he sees the Lovegood house it makes me sad because it's a reminder of the character he could have been. JKR is just playing with my emotions now.

*"I only said that to make you come to the Lovegoods, I didn't believe it" This is a problem when you're the smartest and de facto leader of the group lady, they take everything you say as gospel.

*I kinda hope Harry took the time to say "nyah nyah nyah, I was right you were wrong" to Hermione. It happens so rarely it would have been hard to hold back.

*More proof to the every growing "wizards are dicks" class action - Harry is seen as weird and odd because he saved a goblin from the torture house that is Malfoy Manor. Get you shit together wizards.

*Can I add Olivander to the list of characters we want books about?

*At the vault could they not use a broom to sweep the goblets, galleons and whatever else off the floor away from them? Do they multiply on human touch or touch of any kind?

I hope everyone has their rage and depression gifs ready for next week's slaughterfest. Ugh, and that abomination of a final chapter.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows - Readalong Post 2

It's been a little while since I've read DH and when I came up to the Godric's Hollow chapter and Bathilda Bagshot beckons at them to follow her I suddenly remembered everything that was about to happen I shoved my hands over my ears and shrieked, shrieked I tell you! The whole thing is sooooo creeptastic, and one of the few moments in the series when my heart threatens to fling itself out of my chest Alien style.

"And in the instant that he looked away, his eyes raking the tangled mess for a sword hilt, a ruby, she moved weirdly; he saw it out the corner of his eye; panic made him turn and horror paralysed him as he saw the old body collapsing and the great snake pouring from the place where her neck had been."

The whole scene, from seeing her on the street, to venturing into her home, to her silent movements around the house, to her transformation...it's so visceral and terrifying. I also feel like it's compounded by the grief in the previous chapter. Harry is finally home and found his parent's graves and his old home and the markers of their plight and it's both sad and kind of euphoric, because there's all those recent markings of people placing their faith in him. Anyway, you're in an emotional (SO EMOTIONAL) state because of all this (and Ron's departure, more on that in a sec) and then BOOM, creepy old lady turns into a snake and everything's a blur of chaos and fear.

It's also such a phenomenal scene in the movie. Even though I knew, like 100% knew what was coming and that Harry and Hermione weren't going to die I JUMPED 10 feet into the air and clenched onto the arm of my seat at the cinema because HOLY SHIT TENSE MUCH?

Oh man, that scene with Lupin upsets me SO MUCH. I guess I get why Harry acts as he does, but I find that whole scene so extremely upsetting. I just want to jump in and be like "Guys! You are all in constant risk of losing your life, stop fighting because when/if one of you dies this whole thing is going to be so much worse. Guys? Guys? Stop ignoring me, I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU."

Also (THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD, SORRY MEG, BUT I HAVE ANOTHER KITTEN GIF FOR YOU) I hate that they have this fight and then JKR fucking kills Lupin and Tonks! I'll go on about this more later in the last section, but I feel like this was some real emotional manipulation on her part, making me feel all twisty and sad when Harry's a dick (with the right intentions) in this scene and then compounding that sadness by creating a new orphan À la Harry and the death of Harry's final father figure. Fuck you JKR, seriously. (END SPOILERS)

Strike last week's gif, this one is adorable X adorable

So Ron. Poor, poor, poor Ron. I mentioned in the comments of Emily's post last week how sad I am for Ron's character. In the PS/SS he's set out to be the strategist of the group, as well as the only one with any solid understanding of life in the magical world. But instead he becomes Harry's slightly bitter and clearly less talented friend for 6 books. I'll die defending Ron, but I think it's less because he's a great character and more because I think he could have been a great character.

The thing is, most of his characteristics are dampened by others doing it better. He's quite funny, but not as funny as the twins. He's really brave when it comes to protecting the people he loves, but Harry's braver. He's adorably dopey at times, but Neville really has the lock on that one. His lifetime in the magical community comes in handy ("Have you gone mad? Are you a witch or not?") but he's not a font of wisdom like Hermione or Dumbledore. It's like he's the youngest son all over again, constantly looked over because Harry, Hermione, Luna or Dumbledore are 100 times better, and better first. So I really feel for him, because I know people this week are probably going to be "hrmph Ron sucks or Ron's a coward or myeh Ron" about him deserting the others, but I think if he'd been given the development of everyone else it'd be less "Ron sucks" and more, "yeah, it was a shitty move, but it was a reaction and one he regretted immediately after, and let's be honest we'd probably do the same thing". He's the Sansa of the Harry Potter series, so easy to hate or mock, even though he's probably the most realistic (when done right) of the lot.

Do you know how hard it was to find a Ron gif that didn't involve him eating?

On the plus side though, I do think that single scene with the locket and the smoke versions of Harry and co does a better job of illustrating the complexities of being Ron Weasley than any other scene in the entire series. It's also a brilliant scene because it gave us that hilarious and awkward scene where naked smoke Harry and Hermione gobble at each other's face and made every single person in the cinema cringe.

Oh what's that? I have a gif of that awkward scene? Of course I do! Enjoy.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows - Readalong Post 1 (The End is Nigh!)

I am 90% certain that the rest of my posts for this readalong are going to be a mess of incoherent capital letters, italics and gifs.

But I'm not even sorry, because if you can manage coherent thoughts through Deathly Hollows then YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. This book isn't all action, but it's definitely all emotion. From Harry having to come to terms with not really knowing Dumbledore, to Bill and Fleur's wedding, to Ron's failure, to the battle at the end *cue CryingTennant.gif here* ... anyway you get the hint. There are going to be tears on top of tears on top of tears, and so much character development. I LOVES IT SO!

I hate your weasel face Joffrey, but I approve your applause

I feel so awkward when Voldemort is all "eliminate the mudbloods!" "keep the bloodlines pure!" I imagine some of the Death Eaters feel a little like Hitler's crew when he pontificated about tall blonde Aryans, "Ixnay on the ureplay oodblay dude, at least until we arrange that plastic surgery..." I mean, I know Voldemort can claim Slytherin as a relative, but his mother was practically a squib so it's not like he's a shining example for eugenics. Basically, I think he should focus on another platform to save himself collar-pulling a la The Simpsons when Skeeter's biography eventually comes out.

I love a lot of this book (even the camping) but I still don't quite understand the motivation for Snape revealing the switched nights for Harry's move from Privet Drive. I don't want to spoil this for first timers (first timer? Is it just you Meg?), so skip down to the kitty gif if you don't want to know.

*SPOILERS* So later we find out Snape is getting all his info from the Dumbledore portrait right, but the Death Eaters never know who his source is yes? But why would Snape still have any sources? I mean, at this stage every Order member thinks Snape killed Dumbledore and is a Death Eater for reals, so why would Voldemort or the Death Eaters think that there would be anyone willing to talk Snape and give him details? So why is it important for Snape to give up these details and risk the lives of 14 order members, many of them kids? Why not let the Death Eaters think that they were meant to be moving on Harry's birthday eve? I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting something important in the Snape/Dumbledore plan which is revealed at the end, but I can't remember and this scene just seems like a ridiculous level of risk for no reason. Anyone remember what I'm forgetting, or have any insight? *END SPOILERS*

Best cat gif? Or BEST cat gif?

Considering Dumbledore isn't alive in this book, it's funny that it's actually the most Dumbledore-y books of the lot. Which I love. One of the things that I've really noticed this read-through is how little Dumbles is actually present in the books. Because of how important he is and his role in the climaxes of each book, in my mind he's always been the father figure to Harry and the wordplay bro-wizard to the trio. But in actuality he's barely present until book 6 and is only really more than a headmaster to Harry in book 5. So it's nice to have a book that helps fill the blanks for us like it does for Harry. Because like Harry we love Dumbledore for being wise and old and having a nifty long beard but don't really know anything about him except that he is wise and old and has a nifty long beard. I'm sure there are people who were a little sad when they read this book and realised how fallible Dumbledore was (shock! horror!) but it always made the character 1000x better for me. He made mistakes and learned from them, although they continued to haunt him for the rest of his life. That's a far better role model than the ultimate wise and infallible figure he's typically seen as.

And just a last thing before the bullet points, poor Kreacher. Poor, poor Kreacher. He's an obnoxious ass-hat when we first meet him, but if his story about the cave doesn't make you weep for him then you are heartless! Heartless I say! So let's raise our cups of coffee or bottles of wine and take a drink for Kreacher, because Fuck. That. Shit.

This isn't quite appropriate, but it was the only HP toast gif I could find. Leave me be, I'M SAD!

Bullet points!

*I was listening to this as an audiobook, do we actually hear how Lucius and co got out of Azkaban? Or is it just taken as given?

*I love when Harry bellows. Harry should always bellow.

*Dudley! Voice of reason!

*"But where's he going to go" ---- DUDLEY I TAKE IT ALL BACK, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! (well, not really, but I greatly appreciate your change)

*The multiple Harry scene was one of the best bits in the movie franchise. (followed closely by Helena Bonham Carter pretending to be Hermione pretending to be Bellatrix at Gringotts). Bravo Daniel Radcliffe.

*"Even you-know-who can't split himself into seven" Heh.

*Hermione is such a badass in the scene where she tells Harry why they're coming with him. She just lays it down so factually, even though she's telling him that her parents don't even know she exists anymore. Hermione for Queen of the Universe (ruling alongside Luna, Ginny and Neville like the kids in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe series).

*I really love that even though they are the object of many men's attention, Fleur and her mother go for men who are thoroughly decent and don't seem to care about looks at all. Right on ladies *fist bump*

*"He tried to put a lot of unsaid things into the hug" ---You are a good guy Harry Potter.

*"I open at the close" and the snitch is perhaps one of my favourite threads in the whole series. JKR you are one clever lady.

*"Luna, my love, if you should feel any burgeoning talent today- perhaps an unexpected urge to sing opera or to declaim in Mermish- do not repress it!" --BEST DAD AND MAN.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Readalong Post 3 (ALL THE TENNANTS GIFS)

ALL THE EMOTIONS.

GUYS.

ALL. THE. EMOTIONS.

To help communicate said emotions, I introduce Mr David Tennant, one of the most giffable people EVER.


So to recap since I skipped last week, Ron's been poisoned twice, hormones are raging, Ginny is with Dean and Harry's all...

Other than that he's been all awesome at potions (thank you half-blood prince) and suspicious of Malfoy and it's been business as usual. Oh and all the memories, which are the MOST interesting.

Let's just jump straight to bullet points yes? Yes.

*"It's always been a bit of a risk sending your kids to Hogwarts" NO SHIT HAGRID. But at least an adult finally acknowledged it.

*The scene where the trio get the letter from Hagrid about Aragog makes my blood boil. Just because you don't like spiders (and yes Harry and Ron have good reasons not to like them) doesn't discount the fact that this was a friend of Hagrid's FOR 50 YEARS, and considering Aragog was instrumental in Hagrid's expulsion, he's a big part of our half-giant friend's life. Don't go down to the funeral if you think it's too dangerous (like that's ever stopped them before), but don't be a pack of little bitches who ignore the feelings of a man who has done nothing but love ALL THREE OF YOU.

Correct sir, HRH could learn from our Doctor friend

*Case solved re: Malfoy and the diary. He knew it would open the chamber, didn't know it was a horcrux, wasn't supposed to release it, but did because he was scared, to kill muggle-borns and axe Dumbles.

*"The lightning-struck tower. Calamity. Disaster. Coming nearer all the time..." So is Trelawney a Voldemort related seer only?

*This is the book where both Harry and Malfoy realise that reality isn't the same as imagination. Yes you hate Malfoy, but slicing him open makes it pretty clear very quickly that you don't actually dislike him as much as you always thought. And the power that comes with being a Death Eater seems cool when the big man is "dead" but less cool when he's back and holding your life in his hands.

*So what exactly constitutes luck? I mean, I get the coincidence things, but Harry knowing which buttons to press so to speak isn't really lucky is it? Nor is knowing that Slughorn won't remember anything in the morning. I mean, I guess it is sort of???

*Poor Harry during that prophesy explanation. Dumbledore's being all intellectual and paradox-y and "Do Not Compute" is basically flashing over Harry's head the whole time.

*I don't hate Harry and Ginny, but I don't like that match either. However I would be lying if I said I didn't cooo and get all smiley at their big kiss after the quidditch match.

*The pygmy puff tattoo is on Ron's stomach, with his bellybutton as a mouth. He can make it talk by tensing his stomach muscles.

*Hermione, GIRL I LOVE YOU. All through her argument with Harry about the half-blood prince I'm just fist-pumping and GUUUUURLing. Because yeah, what proof is there that it's a guy? None, and even though Harry has long been friend's with Hermione, it doesn't mean he doesn't consider her something of an exception to the rule.

*"You were never much of a seer, but a wonderful object" Sort of sums up Harry in the entire series doesn't it?

*One of my favourite things in this series is the admiration of intellect and creativity. There's that wicked little scene in PS/SS when Ollivander tips his cap at the great (terrible, but great indeed) things V did. Dumbledore's admiration and disappointment of Voldemort always confused me a little as a kid reading the series, but now I can't wait to find those moments. The scene at the cave door is great, I love that Dumbledore sees it as crude and is disappointed in Voldemort. I would have killed for more scenes between those two.

*The cave scene is TENSE, but is anyone else sad that Voldemort didn't use the same theatrics for his other horcruxes? No more lakes of inferi, or blood doors, or hiding things within basins of evil liquid.

*Everything evil in the wizarding world is defeated by fire. You'd think the dark wizards would have sorted that shit out by now, I mean, come on guys.

*"I'm not worried Harry, I am with you"

*This is the part where the film really fell short. For some unknown reason they eliminated the fight scene. Instead Malfoy let's the death eaters into the castle, he goes up to kill Dumbledore with Snape and Bellatrix Lestrange walks down a couple of tables smashing glass. Since they weren't needed for a fight, why was it so important for Malfoy to get those cabinets working? Exactly, it wasn't. Stupid movie, cut out that bullshit new scene setting the burrow on fire and re-film this now please.

*"Severus...please" Have two words elicited as much debate in all the universe?

*I can't even write about the next chapter, so I'll leave it up to Tennant. Take it away handsome.

*"McGonagall sways slightly" I will always be Team McGonagall/Dumbledore. Not romantically, but I want them to be two older magic friends who go on holiday together and perhaps share a house where they drink a lot of tea. Him in velvet, her in tartan. I feel sorry for her most of all after Dumbledore's death.

*I actually really like that most of the fight was relayed back in a conversation, because it means that the battle in DH is that much more extreme and intense.

*Malfoy actually did a pretty fantastic job with his plan. So kudos for that ferret-face.

*Was RAB a puzzle for anyone?

*Fleur. Yes. The bullshit that preceded this is all worth it for this one redeeming scene. SHE IS BOSS.

*Say what you will about Harry/Ginny, I have so much respect for him ending it because he doesn't want her to be targeted. That's very grown up, and must have been tough.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

And that about wraps up what became a super long, super exhausting post. I think Tennant performed most admirably, but I'd hate to finish this post with him being all sad and annoyed. So here's David Tennant with a kitten. Makes everything a little bit better right?

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - Readalong Post 1

Sorry I missed last week, life got in the way and I was so busy and then all of a sudden it was Tuesday...! But let me tell you, you guys really missed out, because I was going to have this bit where I talked about how flew powder is like wizard Facebook because of all the faces talking in the fire and then something snarky about how pointless both are. BOOM. That right there is comedy gold, and I'm sorry I wasn't able to deliver it for you last week.

So, I don't know if you recall but this is the film that begins with Harry trying to chat up a waitress and then Dumbledore comes and cock-blocks him like a mofo. OLD MAN, YOU BASICALLY SENTENCED THIS KID TO DEATH 2 WEEKS AGO, LET HIM GET SOME ACTION OKAY.

Nuh uh Dumbledore, not cool

Actually, I think the film starts with the Spinner Lane scene (which is awesome squared) and it's probably my favourite of the movies (and maybe second of the books). I feel like it was *really* funny in a ham-y sort of way AND Jim Broadbent as Slughorn was a piece of GENIUS casting, although I haven't seen it in about 3 years SO WHO EVEN KNOWS.

SEE. FUNNY.

End of movie minutia, start of book bullet points.

*I don't really care for the first chapter,  (JKR I already understand how magic works stop explaining it to me) but if I'm ever prime minister I'm going to arrange a prank for whoever takes over from me which is basically a re-enactment of this scene. It will be amazing.

*Chapter 2 and the Snape/Bellatrix snark is super fantastico. I'd read an entire book that's just them being awesomely nasty to each other.

*Case in point: 

"Yes, indeed, most admirable," said Snape in a bored voice. "Of course, you weren't a lot of use to him in prison, but the gesture was undoubtedly fine" 

*Case in point 2.0:

"That was your sacrifice for the Dark Lord, not to teach your favourite subject?" 

*Is anyone else amazed that Snape actually owns more than one glass AND a serving tray?

*So Emmaline Vance was collateral damage so Snape's cover holds, and Dumbledore and the Order were cool with that? #WizardsAreDicks

*Why doesn't everyone just have a secret keeper for their house? Voldemort sneak attack problem SOLVED.

*Dumbledore reminds me a lot of Luna, especially in that scene with the Dursleys. It's like they're operating in a different dimension close to ours but not quite matching up.

"You did not do as I asked. You have never treated Harry as a son. He has known nothing but neglect and often cruelty at your hands. The best thing that can be said is that he has at least escaped the appalling damage you have inflicted upon the unfortunate boy sitting between you."

Preach it Dumbledore

*WAIT. Does Slughorn recognise the ring on p69?

*MOAR LILLY!

*"What is your dearest ambition?" "to find out how aeroplanes stay up" *NEVER CHANGE MR WEASLEY.

*Completely forgot that Fleur comes back in this book and that they called her phlegm. Mean.

* Shut up Hermione, I wanted to hear about Beauxbaton's education system.

*Did their OWLS owls go via the ministry? When exactly are they being searched?

*Ok so now we know a pass = 1 OWL. So the Twins failed 4 subjects. My mum would not have let me back in the house if I failed more than half of my classes so hats off to Mrs W for being as cool headed about their grades as she was. Also I assume they aced their charms, potions and transfig classes since their joke shop stock is pretty flippin' advanced.

*Sooooo, did Bill need Harry's permission or did he just stroll right into his vault? So much for top security. Banks, amirite?

*Witherwings sounds like something you'd use to insult a hippogriff. "Ugh, Buckbeak you are such a witherwings, just go away."

*What happened to Bellatrix's husband? He was in jail with her right? Did he get released too?

*It's dangerous to be seen buying/selling in Knockturn Alley? Another reasons wizards need the internet, Dark Arts Ebay.

*JKR, from the bottom of my heart I thank you for U-NO-POO.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Readalong Post 3

So this week has been hectic. Wednesday was my PhD confirmation, basically where I had to deliver a 45 minute speech about my study and why it should continue. It was terrifying and stressful. So needless to say there wasn't much sleep in the 4 days leading up to that and then afterwards I came home and slept about 14 hours straight. So I'm going to keep this post short and in bullet points and spend my time commenting on your posts instead. Okay? Okay!

*I love everything about Cho and Harry's awkward kiss and Hermione's much needed talk afterwards. I don't care for Cho but it could not be more awkward and teenager-y if it was taken out of an actual teen's life. Although the whole ex-boyfriend killed by an evil wizard thing might be a bit unrelateable for most.

*I love Lockhart's little cameo. His self-reflection on being liked for being handsome and his indignation about not learning joined up writing for nothing - perfection. 

*The scene with the Longbottom's SLAYS me - poor Neville, it must be so hard. Sad face. 

*Come on Dumbledore, couldn't McGonagall or someone have taught Harry occlumency? Why did you think that was even approaching a good idea?

*Snape's a dick. 

*Hagrid's line "Make's a diff'rence, havin' a decent family, he said. 'Me dad was decent. An' your mum an' dad were decent. If they'd lived, life woulda bin diff'rent, eh" basically sums up the whole series in one sentence.

*I would read Hermione's book about understanding girls and the mad things they do. 

*Question: Can photos see who is looking at them? I mean, portraits can talk about react, but can photos? Or do they just react the way the real them would act in their situation? I'm just wondering if Bellatrix would still be scowling if it was Voldemort looking down at her picture in the prophet.

*SNITCHES GET STITCHES MARIETTA (or spots rather)

*Ugh, Percy and Umbridge still stink.

*That scene in Dumbledore's office is so unnecessarily dramatic and makes things worse for EVERYONE. 

*HOW does Harry manage to leave Snape during the pensieve memory? That's not how memory works JKR...

*"I should have made my meaning plainer,' said Professor McGonagall, turning at last to look Umbridge directly in the eyes. 'He has achieved high marks in all Defence Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher" 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Readalong Post 2

Wow. This post ended up super ragey. And there are a couple of minor spoilers (just about this book), I couldn't help myself in my Umbridge/Percy rage. So just tread carefully newbies.

I might have complained about the angst last week but by the time I get to chapter 13 I'm well and truly over it, which is good because it means I can get appropriately riled up with Umbridge and her punishment, which is actually torture and I'D HAPPILY POKE HER STUPID EYES OUT WITH SCALDING POKERS YOU STUPID EVIL HAG.

Umbridge. Is. The. Worst. Voldemort is evil in the sense that he's the bad guy and therefore must be, but Umbridge is actually evil. Whyyyy is she like she is? I've never really understood her motivation in this book. Because forcing a child to WRITE LINES WITH THEIR OWN BLOOD is not proof of you believing the school is run poorly, it's proof of your INSANITY. Is she supposed to be indicative of ministry folk? Does Fudge know what she's doing? And approve it? And she's meant to be rile up the Slytherin hate right? What with her hatred of "half-breeds" and fondness of torture and why she hates all Gryffindors, even the ones who don't believe Harry *cough* Seamus *cough*?  I know the first time I read this book I was expecting to find out she was chums with Voldy, and maybe doing a Crouch 2.0 thing. But nope, just a major evil bitch.

I guess JKR just wanted it to be VERY clear who was on Harry's side and who wasn't. Because we also get that maddening owl from Percy, who was always a pretentious piece of shit but crosses over into complete dicknose territory when he writes to Ron. Did anyone else think Percy might be imperius'd when they first read this? Because he was always the worst Weasley, but he seemed pretty friendly with Harry at school and always respected Dumbledore but suddenly he's really aggressively "herp derp Dumbledore's senile, derpity Harry's dangerous". I was pretty disappointed when it's revealed NOPE Percy is just a power hungry asshole happy to turn against his family for a shitty assistant role. Ugh, Percy is second only to Umbridge.

This is turning into such a rage post. I swear I didn't set out to be so shouty. My last point is a little rage-y but much less shouty. Mainly because it involves Hermione, so it's more disappointed than angry. So I am completely Team Ron about the house elves. Regardless of your thoughts about elf slavery, tricking them into taking clothes is SUPER unfair. Does Hermione actually think that the second they pick up her knobbly little hat the spell would be broken and they'd start a group sing along of George Michael's Freedom? You're supposed to be the smartest witch of your year, how are you so naive? And while we're on Hermione, lady you need to lay off Luna. Just because she believes in things you don't doesn't mean you treat her like garbage.

Although kudos to JKR for the subtle integration of the religious/atheist divide and neat little commentary on it featuring two of our favourite witches. I love when Luna calls out Hermione on her shortsightedness, because that's absolutely one of Hermione's biggest flaws - just because you can't see something doesn't mean it isn't possible. I mean, I guarantee Hermione thought magic was bullshit before her letter arrived. I'd also like to think it was a subtle dig at the folk who were railing on HP for being satanic - it's sad that their imaginations have shriveled up and are unable to digest fun anymore. Tolerance guys, it's not just a song by the Sorting Hat.

But it's OK Hermione, I still love you. But you Umbridge? And Percy? Nope you are forever on my shit-list.

More.

*I'm sorry but Malfoy is NO GOOD. His childish attack on the Quidditch pitch just proves that he's a shitty person and NOT just a product of his parent's intolerance.

*Let's spare a thought for the poor souls in charge of collecting dragon dung for a living.

*So Hogwarts is a public school right? I mean, that's the only way the ministry would be able to impose so many rules and force Umbridge onto the staff right? Which means that Hogwarts fees would be all/mostly subsidised by wizarding taxes.

*I didn't even mention Dumbledore's Army! Egad! I want to be part of that club! I'll take Zachariah Smith's place because he is a poo-face.

*Hagrid's back! And how much do you want to know how his dad stuck with his mum for 3 years if she was anything like the giants Hagrid mentions!?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Readalong Post 1

Alright, first things first. I don't really like this book. Except that I do. I actually love a lot of this book, but the shouty angst make it really hard to truly enjoy.

And before some of you start to wail about Harry being through so much, and adolescence is a bitch and how'd I react if an entire school thought I was a mental liar, let me just say, I get it. I understand why Harry is as he is in this book, I feel for him and I empathise with all the swirling emotions, hormones and craziness going through this head. That doesn't mean I want to read about a 15 year old sulk around with his hands shoved in his pockets. I went through that thank you very much, I don't want to do it again. And it isn't just Harry. Ron and Hermione are just as shouty and angsty and annoying in this book to me, and again I get it, but I do. not. want.

Moving on!

I'm not really sure why Ron is made prefect over Dean or Seamus or Neville (OK, maybe I get why he gets it over Neville). As far as I can tell he doesn't do much/at all better than the others in class, and he's broken so many school rules he probably should have been ineligible (although Gryffindor's motto probably reads "we break rules and you love us for it" in Latin) but I really love that he gets the badge. It's a very awwwww-y moment when he gets the badge and gets all red-eared and Mrs Weasley is still super proud of him even though she's had 25 other sons get better badges, but it's also step 1 in 'Ron gets on top of his issues with being the youngest male Weasley and lack of confidence'. Ickle Ronnikins is growing up, and this develops nicely from GoF where he had to confront his feels of inadequacy about being The Boy Who Lived's best bud.

TEAM RON! WHA-WHAT!

So. Does anyone have a clue how the OWLs work? It can't be 1 OWL = 1 class, because an earlier book mentions Percy getting something ridiculous like 30# OWLs, and since Hermione cracked taking something like 12 classes how could that work? Also, Ron says (p205) that Fred and George got 3 OWLs each, which would mean what? They didn't complete 4 of their exams? In which case how could they possibly be let into their next year at Hogwarts?

The grading system is:
Outstanding
Exceeds Expectations
Acceptable
Poor
Dreadful
Troll (although this might have been a joke?)

So one option is that each grade is attributed a number of OWLs, so O=5 and D=1 (assuming T is a joke) in which case that would mean Percy got 6 O's, but of the subjects Harry and Ron are taking 7 are compulsory (Transfig, charms, potions, DADA, herbology, astronomy, history) and Percy would definitely have taken at least 3 extras, surely. And back with Fred and George they should have at least 7, assuming they failed all of them and didn't get higher than a D. All I can assume is that when they say they "got an OWL" they mean they got an O-grade, which still doesn't make sense with Percy's 30 OWLs but it's starting to hurt my brain, so I give up.

STOP MAKING ME DO MATHS JKR!

Extra stuff:

*"Fred and I managed to keep our peckers up somehow" (p205) This might only be funny to me because I don't know how far this slang has spread, but in Australia a pecker is a penis. Rowling's lewd humour continues!

*I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want to know what Dudley sees/feels when the dementors attack.

*I love the ministry bits in this book, like them colluding to expel Harry by changing rooms and trying him in front of the full Wizengamot, or by hiring Umbridge as DADA (I'll probably scream and rant a lot next week after Harry's detention). Fudge is a pathetic little weasel, and it's great to have an adversary that isn't Voldemort, even if that doesn't remain the case all book long.

*I am firmly anti-Dursley but I really feel for them when Big-D is returned to them post-dementor. That must be a parent's worst nightmare.

*I love that Mafalda Hopkirk ends her letter which tells Harry that he's being expelled and is going to a disciplinary hearing with "Hoping you are well" (p30).

*Tonks is awesome, I would love to have the opportunity to change my appearance. How could you not become a spy?

*Mrs Weasley's fight against that boggart is heartbreaking, and just another example of the families and loss motif I mentioned last week.

*I listened to this section on audiobook, and damn that sorting hat song is so bad out loud. When I read it I can pretend the meter and rhyme works better, but it really, really doesn't.

Till next week, when I get on my soapbox and yell about Hermione (shock! gasp!) and how Umbridge is the most evil and scary villain in the series....

#Ok, I exaggerated. I just check and he got 12 OWLS, so the idea is that 1 OWL = 1 class but I still call bullshit because Hermione only gets 11 OWLS and with divination and muggle studies (which she dropped before OWLS) would have had 13 BUT she needed a time turner and that was supposed to be this big deal because she's a super achiever. How'd Percy and Bill manage it then HUH?